Things I Wish I Could HAve Told Myself 4 Months Ago

1) The first time you break someone’s heart, it will be because you are afraid;

afraid of the way your heart stutters when his fingers find yours,

afraid of the way that you have no idea where this thing could go,

afraid of losing control,

afraid of hurting him, knowing that you will.

afraid he’ll figure out that you aren’t as beautiful as he thinks, that there is darkness hiding in your smile,

afraid you’re getting in too deep,

afraid of needing him this much.

2) People always leave pieces behind when they leave

You’ll leave that sweater in the closet for a month, it was his favourite.

You’ll change what perfume you wear, so that the next time you see him he’ll be able to think of you as someone different.

You’ll write a hundred texts that you will never send, just because you don’t know who else to tell all the little unimportant things you find in a day.

You are never going to the say the word “mountain” the same way again.
Sailboats are going to make you sad for a while.

Your bed will feel too big for your body.

You’ll always feel like you got off the bus too soon when you take the 26 now.

3) Sometimes you will resent the fact that you always think so far ahead

resent that the idea of marriageability was already on your mind

resent that you factored in how attached you would both get and decided it was safer to pull the plug now

resent that you can’t just say “screw it” and see what happens like everyone else seems to

resent that you wanted to travel and he has 5 more years of apprenticing

resent that you don’t trust yourself to make that kind of commitment

resent that you can be so logical.

4) Growth is painful, especially when you grow a lot all at once

your heart hurts because it’s a little more stretched now, 

it hurts because you’ve been using new parts of it,

that’s called growth

that’s called learning

it’s called growing up

and its good.

5) Love is hard. 

But oh, is it worth it.

6) Dive in head first anyways. 

It might feel like you’re drowning, but you’ll catch your breath again, I promise. 

7) When it’s over, you will still love him.

and you always will.
it just needs to be a quieter love now.

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